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January 4th, 2004

02:46 am - stars are out tonight and you're the brightest one shining in my sky
michele has been thinking (which is always a dangerous concept in itself) and she's thinking that it may be time to give this livejournal thing up, at least for a little bit. blogspot is easier to deal with and feels more private...just not sure yet.

happy new year all. i hope this one is better than the last.

14 days to go.

i need to get out and see people. call me, harass me with emails, heck, just come to my house....i will be here.
Current Mood: lovedloved
Current Music: kind of perfect-armor for sleep

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December 29th, 2003

03:53 pm - Must be gearing up for some kind of melt-down
Time for a "real" Michele update.

I have been an unproductive loser for the bulk of my vacation thus far. I have made no attempts to see any of my friends and haven't talked to anyone really. I did get my two wisdom teeth pulled out the day after we went on vacation and for a few days was flying high on a combination of codeine and phenobarbital...it was nice. It won't be nice when I do it again this Friday for my other two teeth, but oh well. So aside from that, I've been working which equals udder boredom. I don't enjoy transcription. I don't like work that doesn't engage me. I just don't like it. I'm starting to wonder if I can manage second semester without money and just stop working now. I went away for Christmas with my oldest and I thought dearest friend Melanie and her family but to my surprise (or was it really?) we did not click like we used to and times were amiss. That made me very sad. Now that I think about it, it makes me feel like I have no connection to anyone really. All it took was going off to separate colleges and bam, we're like two different people. Granted everyone does not have the same experiences when they go away but I thought there was more to us. I've known her from way back when pogs were cool and michael jackson might ben considered black. I feel like I don't have a strong tie to anyone from my past. I didn't grow up in one neighborhood with the same group of kids. It was different through every level of my schooling and for one reason for another I was always eager to move on and meet "better" people, whatever that means. Now I wish I hadn't been so glad to move on. I guess that's why they say family is so important, they always knew you when. I don't have those people. This is starting not to make sense and it isn't the direction I was going for. Blasted brain. I'll give this thing a go later tonight, but should anyone read it...don't bother commenting. I need to revise my thoughts.

hate to say i wish i was back at school. i'm so restless and missing our perverse jokes :-(
Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: Trying Your Luck-The Strokes

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December 23rd, 2003

01:11 am - You don't what it's like
I may be hiding things, but I've never felt more in touch with who I am than right now. Greatness is going to being achieved, one day, someday...hopefully soon.
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
Current Music: This Is How We Do It-Montell Jordan

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December 17th, 2003

02:06 pm - This time is the last time
So this is it kiddies, by this time tomorrow I will no longer be at Clark but in the strangely familiar setting that is new york. I'd like to say this semester has been great and I've come away with a great new perspective on life, but I'd be lying. I've made some good choices and a lot of bad ones but it's all helped me in the end. What I have learned is:

You'll never know what an experience is like until you go through it yourself
You can't be reckless with yourself because you're all that you have
Even when you think you're beyond help, everyone else is just as fucked up as you
College doesn't mean you're really an adult
Not going to class essentially means failing the class
We all have a lot of growing up to do

So in the end, I've met a lot of cool people and some not so cool people and I think I've experienced more in this short amount of time than I ever could have thought possible. I know what works and doesn't work for me and I'm excited to see what next semester turns out like. I may not have learned much in the classroom aspect of it all, but when it comes to life lessons...like whoa.

i hope everyone has a good break. i know i'll try. to those i've hurt or scared at any point, i'm truly sorry. i love you.
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot-Brand New

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December 13th, 2003

03:37 am - muwaahahaha
it only took me abiht twbnety fiver times to get hti sfuckgn journal updeye. i ak sill drunk and it is so weirdc cause i don't toally know it all make sens in y head,w ord son if i shoidkmirde don't die y nogga budtbbyukets in the skty miy jueesbsa if i8 am gone no mioore my nisggas juist keeop get u it o my niggsas say word ti sean my nigdsgas. wjhast is gougn on eve though i partially do.. bit me.. i cried to nickiy and i miss the kove of my lfie.

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December 12th, 2003

07:22 pm - Brave hearted girl goes out to take on the world
that's all there is to say.
no, not really.
i finished that bitch of a film final and handed it in before 4 o'clock.
that class can kiss my ass goodbye.
my goal is to finish my english final for monday and hand that sucker in.
i'm just too lazy to finish reading the book and another 100 pages is oh so far away.
it's our last weekend at clark. fucking bittersweet symphony.
my roommate leaves sunday...SCORE!!
delirious and delusional i walk blinded by the light.
if you want to know how crazy i am, i actually printed out a picture of bill bellamy
and some woman and pasted my photo on it. To top it off, Jenn signed it "All my love-Bob"
i am one sick fuck who loves bob saget more than you know. i want that man.

"you're so fucking julie andrews!"
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: Tick-Yeah Yeah Yeahs

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December 10th, 2003

04:02 am - Stars dazzle like glass shards sparkle shatter
i am pseudo happy and tired right now. i am also addicted to writing on here, if only i was addicted to writing term papers and research projects. boy meets world and family guy dates in paul's room are really funny. film class under the influence was fun too...the screening was worse than usual but i'll miss kta like whoa, what a motherfucker. i think i'll let my hope take a back seat and remove any and all dreams so that the blows won't be as hard to take. if you could read my mind you wouldn't know what to do and i wouldn't know where to begin. sad to think you'll never know me and the void will grow deeper inside. the war wounds are itching and it's all for you. wish someone could see the real me, into my soul.

our weekend starts on wednesday

"my world is filled with muffled sounds
its funny how a thought of you
can pick me up and put me down"
Current Mood: groggygroggy
Current Music: Milligrams For Migraines-Hidden In Plain View

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December 8th, 2003

07:40 pm - Oh, oh goddamnit I think I've lost it
Oh man...I'm at it again. Someone get me away from this fucking computer. I wish I could get away but I have to condense my paper and it's not coming easily to me. I'm too damn whiny. I think it has to do with being a technical only child or maybe it's just a genetic defect. I'll take the latter for 500 Alex. I hate Robert Flaherty and fucking Nanook of the North. No one cares about these stupid ethnographic documentaries...shoot me.

It smells like the inside of a vacuum bag in my room. This is surreal.

Tomorrow is going to be so scheme ass it's the only thing helping me get this paper done.

I really like the book I'm reading for my final paper in english, City of Night by John Rechy. J.T. LeRoy got one of his book titles from a line in it and I thought that was pretty awesome. I wonder what my fascination with gay males is all about. eh whatever.

"It's sad--isn't it?--that people don't have wings too."

Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?-Moby

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02:00 pm - White days like this I'll never miss
I think it's really sick that I've written on here three times within the last day and I'm only adding to the madness by posting again. The rumors are all true so watch your back. Meeting was awkward and it did feel like I was being judged despite all the times they said I wasn't. Maybe my life is like a television show, it's an episode of the X-files and I'm not trusting anyone. Or it's just a really crappy show on NPR...I haven't decided yet. It really sucks that you don't notice how easy and great things are in the moment, only in retrospect are we ever the wiser. "Conversation is amazing when we're free to say things people often won't because they hate themselves." At least I'm progressing with my schoolwork.

I <3 you like whoa.
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
Current Music: Family Affair-Mary J. Blige

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03:03 am - I'm thinking awful things, pretty sure that few would notice
Feeling very panicked right now. Slept too much during the day and now I can't stop the thoughts from racing. I have a 9:30 meeting.

I’m hurting on the inside. Cut me open from the inside out and expose my lies to the world. It’s easy for me to play the game when I’ve won the championship two years in a row. I hate how I give in to your ridiculous moods and the fabricated stories you weave around my neck. This life is closing in on me and I’m scared to think of what will happen next. The beige paint chips scattered across the floor form sacred patterns in my mind. Connect the dots on your skin sounds like a day in the park or a black and white rainbow. How fragile and tender you are even though your words are cutting me like absolute zero. Your eyes glisten in this light and I wish you would lean over and kiss me like some fairytale romance. Happily ever after doesn’t apply to girls like me.

And it felt like nothing once more. I felt and continue to be detached and cold. Floating through something else and I wasn’t letting this happen to me, no, not me, not again. Rape of another kind I guess. Put yourself in the situation you don’t want again and again just to feel the burn. Cut myself wide open and tear my insides out. Screaming at the top of my lungs but no one bothers to look my way. The tears flooded my eyes and blazed my skin as they streamed off my face. “I hate you” ringing in my ears. The stupid songs on repeat are the only thing I can relate to anymore. You can’t possibly understand and help won’t come so damn easily. I’m fragile as glass and there’s a fissure down my spine. I like to rip at my flesh and pour the salt into my wounds. I like to pull off my scalp and pour the bleach on my skin. These masochistic tendencies are chomping at the bit and I don’t want to deal with it anymore. Scar me up and let it bleed out. I’m so scared and alone. The flowing blood cleanses me of the tension and pain pent up inside. I know it isn’t real. I know it. But there’s no way around it anymore. I hate hating myself and I don’t know how much more I can take. Smash my face into the wall and pound me down to a pulp. There’s nothing here but flesh and blood. I am a shell and nothing more. Expose me to the world and there will be nothing but echoes of laughter. Cut off my tongue so I will no longer plague you with my stupid thoughts. Shining razors under the glow of the soft fluorescent light. With this anguish I mark myself once again.

I'm taking my brain hostage.
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: For You To Notice-Dashboard Confessional

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