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I'm thinking awful things, pretty sure that few would notice - I can't make myself heard no matter how hard I scream

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December 8th, 2003


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03:03 am - I'm thinking awful things, pretty sure that few would notice
Feeling very panicked right now. Slept too much during the day and now I can't stop the thoughts from racing. I have a 9:30 meeting.

I’m hurting on the inside. Cut me open from the inside out and expose my lies to the world. It’s easy for me to play the game when I’ve won the championship two years in a row. I hate how I give in to your ridiculous moods and the fabricated stories you weave around my neck. This life is closing in on me and I’m scared to think of what will happen next. The beige paint chips scattered across the floor form sacred patterns in my mind. Connect the dots on your skin sounds like a day in the park or a black and white rainbow. How fragile and tender you are even though your words are cutting me like absolute zero. Your eyes glisten in this light and I wish you would lean over and kiss me like some fairytale romance. Happily ever after doesn’t apply to girls like me.

And it felt like nothing once more. I felt and continue to be detached and cold. Floating through something else and I wasn’t letting this happen to me, no, not me, not again. Rape of another kind I guess. Put yourself in the situation you don’t want again and again just to feel the burn. Cut myself wide open and tear my insides out. Screaming at the top of my lungs but no one bothers to look my way. The tears flooded my eyes and blazed my skin as they streamed off my face. “I hate you” ringing in my ears. The stupid songs on repeat are the only thing I can relate to anymore. You can’t possibly understand and help won’t come so damn easily. I’m fragile as glass and there’s a fissure down my spine. I like to rip at my flesh and pour the salt into my wounds. I like to pull off my scalp and pour the bleach on my skin. These masochistic tendencies are chomping at the bit and I don’t want to deal with it anymore. Scar me up and let it bleed out. I’m so scared and alone. The flowing blood cleanses me of the tension and pain pent up inside. I know it isn’t real. I know it. But there’s no way around it anymore. I hate hating myself and I don’t know how much more I can take. Smash my face into the wall and pound me down to a pulp. There’s nothing here but flesh and blood. I am a shell and nothing more. Expose me to the world and there will be nothing but echoes of laughter. Cut off my tongue so I will no longer plague you with my stupid thoughts. Shining razors under the glow of the soft fluorescent light. With this anguish I mark myself once again.

I'm taking my brain hostage.
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: For You To Notice-Dashboard Confessional

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