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I can't make myself heard no matter how hard I scream

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December 8th, 2003

02:19 am - This is my last resort
I am going to try and make sense of what doesn't.

I have more work to do in the next week than I've had to do all semester basically because I've procrastinated to no end and have no motivation in any of my classes.

Apart from that, the week will be fun because we can do whatever we want and I only have one actual final exam, the rest are papers.

I'm very lonely and very afraid to let anyone really know. I want to but I'm so scared. And I'm not going to lie but I've been listening to dashboard endlessly...I just don't care anymore. I want the semester to be over, but when it is there is still nothing to look forward to. I hope I can make some strides in helping myself over the break.

I love the idea of love.

I hate the idea of dying.

I hate when people don't give you a chance based on assumption.

I hate the paranoia I'm letting others instill within me.

I hate that I've let myself get so far behind.

I love that Clark is finally a beautiful sight.

I love that I can just climb into nate and john's window no questions asked.

I love that I can roam park avenue at 2 in the morning and forget the world exists.

I hate that college isn't always a happy time for me.

I hate that I'm overemotional about trivial things.

I hate that I can rarely express how I feel to a person's face.

I hate how concerned I am about others perceptions of me.

I love how unconcerned I am about others perceptions of me.

I hate that my room is a sauna and outside is the arctic.

I hate that old relationships are changing.

I hate when people front that everything is so damn wonderful.

I love the connection you can feel to a song or a movie.

I love the feeling of writing a to do list and getting everything done.

I love feeling like my presence has made a difference to someone.

I love that I've met so many characters at Clark.

I hate that I've met so few characters at Clark.

I hate that I can't decide whether to love or hate myself.

I hate that I'm hating on so many things and not loving on enough.

I wish only happiness for everyone, especially myself and those I love and hate...such a thin line between the two.

Right now I am quite fatigued and again probably not making much sense. Goodnight.
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: For Me This Is Heaven-Jimmy Eat World

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December 7th, 2003

01:26 pm - Broken glass inside my head
Stayed up till 8 with Jenn and Baker. Roof of the parking garage, the weather channel and al sharpton. I fucking love all those emo boys. MUPPETS!!! I'm fucking up all the pristine snow. And I'm damn tired and have way too much work to do. There are a lot of things I think I wanted to say but I forgot dammit and I'm blanking out. Now this just seems stupid. Fuck.

I went to new york thursday for simon and garfunkel and it was the most amazing concert of my life. Was in Boston Wednesday to see Brand New and they were fucking great too, they we're supposed to play at WPI tonight but it got postponed because of the stupid snow :-( I really wanted to meet Jesse. I was on the phone with my mom and she said "my soul is pained" fucking freak.

I'm cold. Bah humbug. The moxie and stay awakes make me more nutso than a jar of Planter's. Century Club didn't work out as expected and we only got to 20 before I thought I would die. The chianti didn't help and I threw up red everywhere. That was a weird night in and of itself. They always are. But this week is going to be even weirder...the trees told me. Ah holy mackdaddy I'm feeling sick.

I wish I could hibernate all winter. My wisdome teeth come out the day after we go on break. I hope they give me a lot of drugs cause I heard it's damn painful afterwards. Happy Hanukkah you sedated bitch.

P.S. Disregard most of (if not all) what has been said....damn this is not cohesive at all. I will write later I thinks to fix this jumble of phrases and fragmented ideas. Word bitches.
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: To Love Somebody-Bee Gees

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December 1st, 2003

08:50 pm - As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
Someone should rename Monday to EMOnday...it always turns out to be the worst day of the week.

I'm fucking origami.
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: Superman's Dead-Our Lady Peace

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November 30th, 2003

02:16 am - Shattered ego. Broken pride. Fractured conscience. Monocide.
Soon it's back to good ol' Clark U home of the fighting?? Sad that I don't know what our school mascot is but whatever.

Being home is good. Still being sick after a week is no good.

Thanksgiving was weird as usual. My family is just strange and always talking trash and oh I don't know, I always feel on the outside looking in. Shopping the day after Thanksgiving is just disgusting. Not to mention the santa's workshop and carousel smack dab in the mall or the half-naked men they have stand in the doorway of Abercrombie and Fitch. I mean, is this really what the people want? Sometimes I just don't get it. I'm just waiting for the day they come out with a livejournal.com television commercial.

Need sleep, more later.
Current Mood: okayokay
Current Music: Pheurton Skeurto-Sunny Day Real Estate

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November 25th, 2003

08:43 am - Got a ticket for a destination
Just got back from breakfast...yep I was up. Me, Jenn, Lauren and Jess slept in Nate and John's room last night and it was fun. Many stupid things were said as we stayed awake into the wee hours of the morning. Good way to head off on vacation. I'm leaving in about 2 hours and I feel nervous and excited. If I wasn't sick I think things would be better but what can you do? At least I can recover in my real bed and have someone else take care of me. I love New York.
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: Train Hopping In Dixieland-Northstar

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November 21st, 2003

02:33 am - Smack my bitch up
The concert was really sweet. I was right up front for Taking Back Sunday and Saves The Day so it was even better. Only sour point was when Jenn got the wind knocked out of her and lost my phone. But it's not that big a deal, I called to cancel the number and hopefully it'll turn up at the lost and found...not like anyone could get any use out of it. It would be so jacked up for someone to keep it. My dad was pretty pissed at me though. I hope it turns up. We wandered park ave again and found this awesome mini waterfall on the side of friendly's so we broke bottles there. We also found a free loveseat that we would have brought back to campus and put in the middle of the quad but it was too heavy to carry. Maybe next time. I think I'm tired. I love fruit punch gatorade. I have to finish reading neuromancer over the weekend. Hmmm, I also have to write that stupid reaction paper. Oh man, I go home tuesday morning. Thanksgiving is going to be fucking crazy. Blah. I hate the new blink182 song. It sucks and I'm tired. Bye snatches. Keep it real.
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Taking It All Back-Count The Stars

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November 19th, 2003

06:58 am - There are places I remember
...guys are weird. Scratch that, people are weird. Hypothetically speaking, if someone thought you liked them and didn't like you, would they not do things to turn you off? I wonder what makes people think that others like them. Is it a certain vibe, or look, or something they say. And what about body language? What role does that play in relationship to others? If your arms are crossed do you seem cold and unapproachable? What if you just feel more comfortable with your arms across your chest? Do we read into these things too much or is their valid proof behind these theories. Why is it that you never like the right people and the right people never like you? At least that's what it always seems like. You're expecting one thing and you get another. You're hoping for one ideal mate and life throws you a curve and you get stuck with someone you never knew was alive. It's so hard for people to say what they're really thinking in the moment and so many times I catch myself wishing I could garner the courage to say what I really think. But people are too sensitive and never seem to get things. I think I come off as quite cold and snotty to some people. It really stinks because I'm not at all, maybe under the surface lies a little egocentrism but I think that's within each and everyone of us, but too many are afriad to admit it. But I won't, I know when my thoughts are telling me I'm better than someone but by that same token I know when my thoughts are telling me the opposite. The key is to ignore both and just deal with who you are. It doesn't matter two shits if the guy sitting next to you can whoop your ass in geometry or if you have nicer hair than your roommate. What really matters is being happy with yourself and accepting yourself for who you are. Even the people who come off as totally self-assured and confident have moments of insecurity and weakness. So many times we put on a front to hide our true emotions, I know I do it all the time. It's much easier to seem detached and emotionless rather than put yourself out their and let them know you hurt. It's much easier to pretend it doesn't matter what people say and cry behind closed doors than let others know they're bringing you down. It's hard to know when to do what or what to say when. It's hard to know who you can trust and what they can be trusted with. There are so many complexities to all kinds of relationships that it makes me wonder why I don't just move to a private compound and live out the rest of my days with a entourage of chia pets. The fact that we all get hurt but remain connected to others shows just how much we need each other. We need to love and be loved and of course this is known to all of us, but at times it feels like we are nothing more than an island and no matter what we are eternally alone. Maybe this holds true for some, but I don't think for all. I think it is possible to feel so strongly connected to another person that you feel like one. I don't even know what I'm rambling about. But I haven't slept yet and I was feeling jittery so here I am typing away. Oh man my hair feels fried like an egg on a hot summers day. I miss the summer a lot. I really want to do something good this year. I'm thinking of working at a fresh air fund camp or something through Americorps would be good. Helping others is always a self-help project as well, like when I worked at camp kiwago, whoa was that an experience. Never in my life did I feel so fortunate and at the same time gain so much perspective. That was by far the best summer I ever had. Kids. I still am a kid in many ways. College is just a way of prolonging childhood to me. In the "real world" you don't get to live with a hundred of your peers and have all your meals planned out for you. Initially I thought college was just like sleepaway camp and in many respects I still see it as just that. It feels as though academics take a back seat and that's not to say part of it isn't my own doing, but in general class time doesn't compare to all else. My back hurts from the way I'm sitting...ow. I need to move but I'm huddled under my covers because I don't want the brightness of the screen to bother my roommate. How considerate. She doesn't even bother to tell me that my mom called. What the fuck is up with that? That shiz is whack son. Fo sheezy. Damn I miss home. I'm dreading having to work over the winter break. Filing endlessly is not high on my list of fun things to do. I'd be more likely to list daily colonoscopies above filing as fun things to do. For real yo, being a file worker is the bottom of the barrel in the office hierarchy. I hate offices, enough office talk although I must say office space is a funny movie as is clockwatchers and haiku tunnel (Oh Josh kornbluth)...I acually corresponded with him via email a few times. Nice guy, too bad he doesn't get more recognition, hopefully someday soon. I wonder if dogs or if animals in general have a secret language. A way of communicating completely unknown to humankind. I wonder if look homeward bound and doctor doolittle were on to something. I used to wish to be a dog because I thought they had it so easy but now that I think about it, their existance seems so simple and boring. I don't think I'd like it very much at all. Even though they do sleep a great deal and very easily. Never do you see an insomniac dog, at least not to my knowledge. Reminds me of this article I read in the new york times magazine a while back about this strange sleep disorder I think it was called parasomnia in which you have unwanted or involuntary behaviors during sleep, like a man thinking his wife was a deer and trying to kill her...just whacko stuff. I want to read it again...hmmm. I miss the style section. I love to read all the yuppie love stories of ivy league grads and their picture perfect lives, it serves as a reason to hate them and myself, it's just great. Why am I awake? Birds of a feather flock together isn't always true...with people anyway. Sure, you usually gravitate towards your "own kind" but that's because you long for the familiarity and sense of security when others can more easily relate but I think it's important to mix with other birds and see what hybrid species can be produced. Rome wasn't built in a day and I don't know why these stupid sayings are popping into my head but it's bugging the heebie jeebies out of me. Damn I miss TGIF fridays when I was a kid and how great the world seemed while watching a wholesome epsiode of full house. They should do a full house the next generation spin off complete with real world themes like prostitution and drugs, keep it real and teach the kiddies valuable lessons at the same time. I hate hypocrites therefore I hate myself but I'm talking about the people who say they are so concerned about me yet do the same exact things to an even greater degree. Back off bitches cause I didn't ask for a surrogate mom. I'm sick of people thinking they know me so well, you don't know jack shit about me and you probably never will. It's too hard to know someone else. I wouldn't let you. You're not worth it and most of all I don't know entirely who I am. I have a better head on my shoulders than you think and I'm damn sick about hearing all this talk to other people. From now on I'm not talking to any of you because you're just full of shit, goddamn paper mache. I hate being talked about. Who doesn't? But since I don't have enough confidence at this point I cannot let it roll off my back and it does get to me. I'm not made of stone so fucking say it to my face and stop telling other people. I heard what you have to say, but don't say it while you're getting high everyday. You make no sense. People make no sense and I can't stand the juvenile tendancies of so many. But there I am still a kid and i have a lot of growing up to do. This rain makes no sense and I hope no one bothers to read it. No one will anyway so I'm in the clear. I'm going to attempt sleep. God save the queen. And boys just suck...
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: Buddy Holly-Weezer

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November 16th, 2003

09:23 pm - I cry cry cry then I complain.
This past week has been a blur. I've been really fatigued and the fact that it's pitch dark at 4:30 doesn't help. Being at Clark for a solid month is starting to get to me. I felt the sadness creeping in when I was on the phone with my mom. It's rather pathetic seeing as how I'm only making things worse for myself with terrible grades that will keep me here even longer. Sundays are almost always depressing as fuck around here. At least that's how I always see it. I wake up around 1 p.m and it's a ghostown, I end up bumming around, getting nothing accomplished and then feel bad about how I've wasted a perfectly good day. So yeah, it sucks. I need a drink so I can take my last dose of medication :-)

I can't wait to go on vacation.

By the way, I'm using 'exanimate' as my current mood because it's over the top and I love it.

"I'm killing in the rain.
I'm living with your expectations.
Tell me everything you'd like to say.
I need a holiday for all the days I waste away."
Current Mood: exanimateexanimate
Current Music: A Raindance Narrative-Keepsake

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November 10th, 2003

02:58 am - We're gonna stay 18 forever
Sunday Night Sex Show plus Bliss coupled with wandering Park Ave at 1 a.m., smashing bottles at the bridge and then walking through the drive-in at Wendys equals a great Sunday night/Monday morning in Worcester :-)

I love you Jenn and Dan...what characters.
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Millencolin-Right About Now

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November 9th, 2003

10:48 am - Oh what a beautiful morning
What I've learned this weekend:

-Drinking in moderation is something I have trouble with
-Alkaline Trio do rock and Skiba is so THE man
-Drugs and alcohol do not mix

...I'm sure there were other things, but these are the highlights that come to mind and I haven't slept since yesterday and must get a nap now before I start on the massive amount of film homework that awaits me.
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: Ain't No Room-The Vines

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